Have you ever seen the movie "Spanglish?" Well I feel like Tea Leoni's character in it lately (aside from the affair of course). Erik is TOTALLY Adam Sandler; so nice you want to punch his lights out so he'll finally get angry, so nice it makes you get even more mad and hate yourself even more.
I really don't think I have the postpartum depression, I've taken the tests at the Dr's office, in magazines etc, and I've passed with flying colors. I really don't feel that blue at all. But lately when Erik gets home from work I just unload. My patience have worn thin, I'm tired, just need a moment to myself, but then so does Erik. He's been on his feet all day at work, been up since 5:30 and hasn't had a lunch break, he needs to rest before I lay into him.
I am not one of those mom's who thinks that her kids are perfect when they really aren't. I was the first to say that Elsie was hard (at first). She was! But Violet is pretty darn close. Ask my family. She is the sweetest little thing, has the sweetest most angelic voice, follows me around, loves me so much, loves her sister so much, loves her babies so much, doesn't act up at all when I'm nursing and is so good to just play by herself.
She had a couple of hard weeks when we were in UT and when we got back, but we were away from home and Erik and we had a new addition to the family that she realized wasn't leaving.
She really is amazing and I can't brag about her enough. BUT she is at the age that she has to repeat everything 100 times until you acknowledge it, won't eat anything. AN.Y.THING. Yells
"Mommy! Where are you?!" anytime I'm not in the same room with her. I just need a break from my little puppy dog and echo sometimes.
"Mommy! Where are you?!" anytime I'm not in the same room with her. I just need a break from my little puppy dog and echo sometimes.
Elsie is pretty darn good as well. Sure those first weeks were rough, but honestly she's so sweet and happy now. Sure she cries, but she's pretty easy going and once I give her what she needs she's really pleasant.
I can't say enough times how incredibly grateful I am for my 2 beautiful girls, my amazing husband, his job and everything we have. We are so blessed. But I'm just having a pity party today and feeling down in the dumps.
I miss our student ward:
I miss going to church knowing that everyone there was in the same boat as us; poor as dirt, living on food stamps, medicaid, living in dinky little apartments.
I miss my dinky little apartment. (it really wasn't very dinky or little, it was perfect) It treated us so well. Sure I complained about the fact that our dining room turned into our storage room once Violet came along, but I miss it. I miss having the "backyard" that if offered and the fact that it was not on the 2nd floor.
I miss living one hour from family. Sure I complained about having to drive down for every little thing, but I miss being able to do that.
I miss having family 5 minutes up the road and getting together with Crystal and Hazel for play dates
I miss going to Zumba on Monday and Wednesday nights with Crystal
I miss running errands, craft nights/days, long endless gabs about nothing, and going to Cafe' Rio with Vienna.
I miss having an amazing friend that will always listen and talk, live in the same apartments, 2 seconds away. (Vienna)
I miss talking, hanging out and 2 hour long runs to Target with my sisters.
I miss staying at my parents, watching movies and sleeping in the ice cold basement, listening to music out in the breezeway, having girl time with my mom while Erik watches and talks sports with my dad
I miss staying up at Oberg's, being up in the great outdoors, having BBQ's, and campfires
I miss the mountains. Having them literally minutes away to go up the canyon and roast marshmallows, go on a hike, go for a drive, just have right in your backyard. (I do love the Rockies in Colorado, I just miss them being SO close)
None of these things trumps my new found love for Colorado or our ward or anything we have here, I'm just home sick and lonely. I guess I just need to know that it's ok that I need a break from my kids every once in a while. I need to know that I'm not the only one that is a beast to her husband. Maybe I am! Being a mother is amazing but it is a lot of work, especially when you are nursing and you are the only one that can feed them. I need to know I'm not the only one feeling this way?!
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself for a moment:)
12 comments:
i feel for you, friend!!! i've been there. a few times! i particularly struggled that first year we were out of school and super far from family and adjusting to being grownups and not students anymore! sorry we couldn't get together this week! next week for sure!!!
Don't worry, you are not alone! It is so important to have breaks from your kids and be something else than just "mom". You HAVE to take time out for yourself! Start a Girl's Night Out group with some friends from your ward. Get a babysitter and go to the grocery store by yourself. I have to do those things to be the kind of mom I need to be for my kids. And I can't even imagine how hard it would be to live that far away from my family! Hang in there!
I can't even imagine! I miss you so bad, and its just the four of you I have to miss, you have to miss all of your family, friends and lives before you moved out there! I'm sorry, but so excited to come visit in a month and a half! I feel ya with the kid thing. Bingham was the perfect child and Boen was a VERY hard baby. I still have to put up with Bing following me around with a million and one questions and needing to know where I am at every waking hour. I love you and you can call me to vent any time. YOu know I vent to you! haha! Thats what sisters do and you can do it anytime! Good luck and hang in there. I'm sure Erik gets it!
You are so sweet. Even when you're venting, you still talk about all the great things in your life. It takes a strong woman to do that. It's common advice, but MAKE time for yourself. Have a plan. Look forward to it. Don't be ashamed those few hours of blissful silence (aka without children) is the only thing that gets you through some hours of the day. There are many wonderful blessings that accompany being a mother (more to count...we all know that), but it's TIRING. Children demand the world from you. Everything you mentioned that you missed about Logan are things that support and lift you up. When those things are suddenly gone, it's hard to be happy and charming when hubby gets home. :) I've totally been there. The power of positive thinking has trouble kicking in when I'm too tired and spent to think properly. Hang in there! Go play! You will make it! From what I know about you, you always do.
oh sammy!!!! How I wish I lived closer so I could come steal your kiddos so you could have a break! I totally remember feeling that way after I had cash. i know erik is tired and worn down too but I seriously think it is so so so so so important for you to get a little you time. I remember bawling to Phil and making him come home from studying for finals to watch cash for an hour while I went and walked around the mall. That feeling of walking out the door and getting in your car without loading the whole house up was all i needed to feel rejuvenated. I did that every now and again when I felt that i just needed a break. It helps so try it!! or after vi goes to bed go to a movie. even if you go alone. and lastly...find a friend. that's what literally saved me (which i'm sure you know because you had vienna). if you can't find one let's skype every single day. I will be your friend. :) Feel better girl! and I think it's great your "talking" (blogging really) you're feelings because hold them in can't be good! love ya!!!
Oh sammy that makes me cry!! I'm so sorry!! I can only imagine living away from home, so hard! Its so hard to be a mom! So many expectations. You love them but you need a break and we rarely get it. Vent anytime! you know I do. Life sucks and is hard sometimes. We are so blessed but its still hard. Having kids is so hard and repetitive all the time. You do have moments where you get bored and why does it seem like the only solution is to spend money when we don't have any? I think making a playdate or a girls night would be great. Its hard when your still "new" even if its just you going away or maybe going to you gym at your place will be a good release for you. sorry girly, can't wait to come visit. Makes me so nervous if we do get a job somewhere else and have to move away. I thin it would be so fun to start over but so hard at the same time. I know I would struggle. Love ya!
you're so not alone! I feel the same way since moving to Las Vegas....it's great and fun to be on your own and all, but sometimes you just want to have Sunday dinners with your family, and have grandma able to babysit at anytime!
you are doing amazing though, i can tell just from your blog, and it's so good that you are being so honest with yourself about how you are feeling too. love ya!
AMEN SISTER! i was infact a beast of a wife tonight....darnit. so no way are you the only one. i'm actually glad to hear im not the only one. you are totally allowed these days. i have them too and i live close to everything you miss and i still find things to complain about. but the beauty of it is, even though you have a rough day, you recognize how blessed and lucky you are, and are still happy. its just a day, or a couple of days and its okay. i cannot imagine being out on my own the way you are, so i say way to go. miss you & love ya tons
Oh I'm so sorry!!! I TOTALLY understand how you feel. I love Magnolia more than I could ever say, but sometimes you just need a minute or you'll feel like you'll go insane! And you just feel so guilty and that you have no right to complain about anything because it is such a blessing to be a stay-at-home mom, but it is a lot harder than I thought it would be, and it's not as glamorous as it looks on people's blogs sometimes :)
I can't tell you how much I miss you and wish we could still hang out all the time. ANY time you wanna talk just call. Next time Rob finds a good deal on flights to Denver, I might just have to jump on a plane!
You are not the only Mom to ever feel this way. Trust me. We all feel this way at some point. It is hard being a mom. Especially when you add more kids to the mix and your husband works a lot and is gone. I am in the same boat. Some days are so hard but others are wonderful and you wouldn't trade them for the world. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are an amazing wife and mom. Don't forget that!
oh Sammy! I am feeling the SAME way! It's so nice to know I'm not alone. I'm pretty sure Taylor thinks I'm totally CRAZY (which I feel like myself). I AM a total beast to him, and to everyone else for that matter.
I miss Zumba (I especially miss having the time and energy to actually exercise, let alone fitting in my clothes, and/or feeling cute),
we miss having you guys around (actually, just this morning Hazel said something about missing you guys living by us)
I feel like I'm constantly giving/helping somebody and I really just want a minute to myself to feel like a human again.
And to top it all off, we're poor as dirt, Taylor still isn't done with school, we're scraping together money to pay our bills, we just replaced the battery in our car and within a 2-week time span, Taylor and I both got speeding tickets, totally screwing up our 7-year good driving record and costing us 100 bucks a pop.
Misery loves company and it's nice to know that some days there is someone out there feeling just as miserable as me... Good luck!
Sammy! I know exactly how you feel and it bites!! I have been there. With pretty much all of what you said. Missing friends, family, wards, situations, mountains, everything else. Unfortunately, I too am sometimes not the nicest wife and I, too, have the hardest time being patient with my little ones. It is A LOT of work. And it's constant. I understand why you feel the way you do. Don't feel bad for needing a little time away. It's important that you do get some YOU time every now and again. You wanna get together later this week for brunch at my house? Does Friday work? I was so sad I couldn't make breakfast work this morning!
-Natalie
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